Thoughts of a Single Christian Girl on Valentine's Day

About six weeks ago a well-known Christian wrote a comment on social media that went kind of like this:

‘There were two young men arguing over who was the best super-hero. I asked them whether they were single. They were. What a surprise.’*

* this is from memory and could be slightly misquoted

When I read this I was completely outraged, and of course wanted to respond straight away, but I was worried I would write something I would later regret. It has, however, been playing over and over in my mind, and it has really got me thinking. And today, being Valentines Day, has spurred me to try and write something cohesive about these thoughts.

I do not want to launch a personal attack on the author of these words, because although I am disappointed that he would use his influence to write such things, I have realised that much of what he said contains views held by many people, and sadly many Christians. I am not writing this with anyone particular in mind, and I am glad to say that many of my friends certainly don’t fit into this category.

To try and order my muddled and racing thoughts I want to start by directly addressing the social media statement.

The statement assumes that these two young men were unattractive to women because they were immature enough to fight about superheros. But where does this kind of thinking begin and end? What about single people that love video games? (I’m speaking of a healthy interest, not a gaming addiction that has negative impacts) Or girls talking about shoes and nail polish? What about men that enjoy flying model aeroplanes? Are they unattractive and immature too? Says who? The thing I find completely baffling about this part of the statement is that the writer is discounting so many married men who would have loved to join in the same superhero argument – and probably have done with their own married friends. I know many married men and women who enjoy escapism in all different forms, so why has this been aligned with immaturity and being ineligible for marriage?

The statement is incredibly subjective, and is actually very demeaning to the thousands and thousands of single Christians (and non-Christians) in the world. To judge someone so cruelly based on a fragment of an overheard conversation is unkind and completely unrealistic. The author appears to know nothing of these young men’s personal lives, their personalities, their belief systems, or even their hopes and aspirations of the future. And there is one big thing that is not acknowledged at all – God’s will and plan for these young men’s lives.

Here is where my discussion takes a new course to encapsulate some wider ideas and frustrations that I have encountered as a single Christian.

Where to start? I think I need to go point by point to have better cohesion, and I will begin each point with a plea, just because it works.

1). Please remember that marriage is not a ‘higher calling’ than singleness

This may sound really obvious, but in Christian circles this can be a mindset that people can have subconsciously, or they can convey the idea in their conversations.

Of course there are many things that married people can accomplish in life and ministry that single people cannot. They can get alongside other married couples and go through shared experiences together. They can support new couples and encourage them in their relationship by sharing lessons they have learnt. They may have the joy of having a family, and raising children to know and love God. All of these things are wonderful and very precious.

But guess what? Single people can do things that married people are unable to do. Many single people are able to be much more flexible with their time, and hence can potentially spend more time invested in ministries and other relationships. They are able to dedicate their lives to serving God in places that are dangerous or difficult for families. It is much easier for a single person to be there in an instant for a friend or family member that needs immediate support or company.

Both marriage and singleness have a place in this world, and this should be more, not less, evident in the life of the church. The writings of Paul to the church in Corinth make it clear that different life stages are to be accepted and used to bring glory to God. So being single is not ‘settling for less’ or ‘hoping for more but haven’t been promoted yet’. It is just being single.

2). Please remember that God has a plan for everyone’s life

Again, another seemingly obvious statement. What does this mean for those of us who are single? Well, it may just be that this plan God has does not involve being married. It may be that the works God has for us to do are to be done without a husband or wife. Please note that I am not saying they have to be done alone – where would any of us be without the love, support and encouragement from our family and/or friends? But maybe to bring the greatest glory to God and complete our work here in earth the best it can be done we must be single - if not for our whole lives, at least for now.

What does it mean for married people looking at and associating with single friends and family members? Don’t assume that the person is single because of some fault of personality or decision-making. Trust me, if we want this kind of judgement we can do it to ourselves. Rather than assuming that God’s plan is for everyone to be happily married to another Christian and blissfully popping out babies (which, lets face it, is no-one’s reality), why not acknowledge the work that the single people around you are doing? That without single people the church would be imbalanced and without an arm? (I am of course referring to the fact that the church is made up of many different people with different skills and at different life stages, just like a body is made up of different parts).

So rather than assuming God’s plan for each other’s lives, let’s encourage each other, in whatever state we are in, to serve God to the best of our ability and bring glory to Him.

3). Please remember that ‘I’m Single’ does not mean ‘I’m waiting’

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! This one kills me. On so many levels. So let’s get started.

Firstly, the good old ‘Have you found somebody yet’ question. Apart from the fact that unless you are very close to someone and are willing for us to pry into your love life you shouldn’t ask, it is just rude. You have no idea if the person you are asking is really struggling with their singleness on that particular day. You don’t know if they have just spent an hour crying with a friend over the fact that they are lonely and feel surrounded by couples having babies. The person you are asking may desperately wish they were married. Such questions do not encourage, they bring down. Did you notice that this question does not acknowledge points 1) & 2)? It is assuming that the person is in the lesser state of singleness waiting to be rescued from it, and that where they are right now is not necessarily where God want’s them but will just have to do for now. You might not mean any of this when you ask, but can you see what it communicates and how it could be received?

Secondly, we are instructed to be content in whatever state we are in. Thinking, then, that singleness is merely waiting for the better times of marriage to arrive completely undermines ‘being content’. It may actually be that the single person you are talking to has just reached a place of contentment, and you manage, in one careless question or statement, to undermine the work that God has been doing in this person’s life.

Thirdly, unless we ask you directly, saying ‘I’m single’ does not mean ‘please find me someone to marry thank you very much yes please set me up with all your other single friends’. I know! Total revelation. But really, this can be so frustrating. Not to mention embarrassing and completely awkward. If we need help, we’ll ask.

Fourthly, if you are single and know you are ‘waiting’, try to focus on what you have now, the friends and family around you, and get involved in activities and ministries that people at other stages of life are unable to do. You are needed! And necessary! Make the most of it!

Lastly, again to singles, ‘I’m Single’ does not mean ‘I’m looking really hard to find someone and maybe you’re it so you had better either ask me out or run for the hills’. Yep, thought you’d like that one. But seriously, it is so important to have healthy relationships with people of the opposite sex, married and single. Being friends and hanging out does not necessarily mean ‘I want to marry you, tomorrow if possible’. Nor does introducing yourself to someone mean ‘I saw you across the room and thought I had better get in first before the other singles line up to get you’. Enjoy friendships, and build each other up in them.

4). Nor does ‘I’m Single’ mean ‘I’m unhappy’

So I’m putting it out there – I love being single. So much. But when people look at me forlornly or shake their head and say ‘What’s wrong with men these days?’ I catch myself thinking ‘Oh, maybe I’m not happy. Maybe I don’t want to be single. Wait, what just happened?’ And when I say to people ‘I’m really happy being single’ they do the whole intense eye look thing that says ‘I know you are truly very sad and are just putting on a brave face, but that’s ok, I understand.’ No! Just, NO! I am so glad I am not married, I am so grateful I do not have kids. I know I would not be where I am today if I was married, and I would not have friendships with the amazing people currently in my life if my life situation was different. At this point in my life I know I am where God wants me to be, and I’m happy. I am very aware this may change, there is possibly, even probably, going to be a time when I am incredibly saddened by not having a husband or family. Or it may be that I meet someone amazing and realise I want to be married – to them. But for now, praise God, I’m single and happy.

So please make it easy for single people to be happy in their singleness. Love them, involve them in your family life so they have kids and other married couples in their lives. Don’t assume they are struggling, but don’t rule it out either.

These are my thoughts. I have many more, but for now I have blurted out enough and have run out of time. I hope what I have written makes sense. I’m not sure if you could tell, but I’m pretty passionate about this. What I have written is not meant to be a strong argument or shaking-my-fist posting, I hope it will not be taken as such. I am very aware that my thinking on these things may evolve and change throughout the years, and I would love you to come back at me if you have thoughts or rebuttals. Other people’s experiences are sure to be different to mine, and I know many of you are more articulate, wise and better thought out than me.

I want to leave it on this thought, because it is something I want to work on myself:

Rather than judging people based on their marital status, their life situation, their skills, their intelligence or their beauty, let’s build each other up, encourage each other and love each other, so that we are focused on God’s plan for our lives and are able, to the best of our ability, to glorify Him in what we do and say.