About
six weeks ago a well-known Christian wrote a comment on social media that went
kind of like this:
‘There were two young men arguing over who was the best
super-hero. I asked them whether they were single. They were. What a
surprise.’*
*
this is from memory and could be slightly misquoted
When
I read this I was completely outraged, and of course wanted to respond straight
away, but I was worried I would write something I would later regret. It has,
however, been playing over and over in my mind, and it has really got me
thinking. And today, being Valentines Day, has spurred me to try and write
something cohesive about these thoughts.
I do
not want to launch a personal attack on the author of these words, because
although I am disappointed that he would use his influence to write such things,
I have realised that much of what he said contains views held by many people,
and sadly many Christians. I am not writing this with anyone particular in
mind, and I am glad to say that many of my friends certainly don’t fit into
this category.
To
try and order my muddled and racing thoughts I want to start by directly
addressing the social media statement.
The
statement assumes that these two young men were unattractive to women because
they were immature enough to fight about superheros. But where does this kind
of thinking begin and end? What about single people that love video games? (I’m
speaking of a healthy interest, not a gaming addiction that has negative
impacts) Or girls talking about shoes and nail polish? What about men that
enjoy flying model aeroplanes? Are they unattractive and immature too? Says
who? The thing I find completely baffling about this part of the statement is
that the writer is discounting so many married men who would have loved to join
in the same superhero argument – and probably have done with their own married
friends. I know many married men and women who enjoy escapism in all different
forms, so why has this been aligned with immaturity and being ineligible for
marriage?
The
statement is incredibly subjective, and is actually very demeaning to the
thousands and thousands of single Christians (and non-Christians) in the world.
To judge someone so cruelly based on a fragment of an overheard conversation is
unkind and completely unrealistic. The author appears to know nothing of these
young men’s personal lives, their personalities, their belief systems, or even
their hopes and aspirations of the future. And there is one big thing that is
not acknowledged at all – God’s will and plan for these young men’s lives.
Here
is where my discussion takes a new course to encapsulate some wider ideas and
frustrations that I have encountered as a single Christian.
Where
to start? I think I need to go point by point to have better cohesion, and I will
begin each point with a plea, just because it works.
1).
Please remember that marriage is not a ‘higher calling’ than singleness
This may sound really obvious, but in Christian circles this
can be a mindset that people can have subconsciously, or they can convey the
idea in their conversations.
Of course there are many things that married people can
accomplish in life and ministry that single people cannot. They can get
alongside other married couples and go through shared experiences together. They
can support new couples and encourage them in their relationship by sharing
lessons they have learnt. They may have the joy of having a family, and raising
children to know and love God. All of these things are wonderful and very
precious.
But guess what? Single people can do things that married
people are unable to do. Many single people are able to be much more flexible
with their time, and hence can potentially spend more time invested in
ministries and other relationships. They are able to dedicate their lives to
serving God in places that are dangerous or difficult for families. It is much
easier for a single person to be there in an instant for a friend or family
member that needs immediate support or company.
Both marriage and singleness have a place in this world, and
this should be more, not less, evident in the life of the church. The writings
of Paul to the church in Corinth make it clear that different life stages are
to be accepted and used to bring glory to God. So being single is not ‘settling
for less’ or ‘hoping for more but haven’t been promoted yet’. It is just being
single.
2).
Please remember that God has a plan for everyone’s life
Again, another seemingly obvious statement. What does this
mean for those of us who are single? Well, it may just be that this plan God
has does not involve being married. It may be that the works God has for us to
do are to be done without a husband or wife. Please note that I am not saying
they have to be done alone – where would any of us be without the love, support
and encouragement from our family and/or friends? But maybe to bring the
greatest glory to God and complete our work here in earth the best it can be
done we must be single - if not for our whole lives, at least for now.
What does it mean for married people looking at and
associating with single friends and family members? Don’t assume that the
person is single because of some fault of personality or decision-making. Trust
me, if we want this kind of judgement we can do it to ourselves. Rather than
assuming that God’s plan is for everyone to be happily married to another
Christian and blissfully popping out babies (which, lets face it, is no-one’s
reality), why not acknowledge the work that the single people around you are
doing? That without single people the church would be imbalanced and without an
arm? (I am of course referring to the fact that the church is made up of many
different people with different skills and at different life stages, just like
a body is made up of different parts).
So rather than assuming God’s plan for each other’s lives,
let’s encourage each other, in whatever state we are in, to serve God to the
best of our ability and bring glory to Him.
3).
Please remember that ‘I’m Single’ does not mean ‘I’m waiting’
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! This one kills me. On so many levels. So
let’s get started.
Firstly, the good old ‘Have you found somebody yet’ question.
Apart from the fact that unless you are very close to someone and are willing
for us to pry into your love life you shouldn’t ask, it is just rude. You have
no idea if the person you are asking is really struggling with their singleness
on that particular day. You don’t know if they have just spent an hour crying
with a friend over the fact that they are lonely and feel surrounded by couples
having babies. The person you are asking may desperately wish they were
married. Such questions do not encourage, they bring down. Did you notice that
this question does not acknowledge points 1) & 2)? It is assuming that the
person is in the lesser state of singleness waiting to be rescued from it, and
that where they are right now is not necessarily where God want’s them but will
just have to do for now. You might not mean any of this when you ask, but can
you see what it communicates and how it could be received?
Secondly, we are instructed to be content in whatever state we
are in. Thinking, then, that singleness is merely waiting for the better times
of marriage to arrive completely undermines ‘being content’. It may actually be
that the single person you are talking to has just reached a place of
contentment, and you manage, in one careless question or statement, to
undermine the work that God has been doing in this person’s life.
Thirdly, unless we ask you directly, saying ‘I’m single’ does
not mean ‘please find me someone to marry thank you very much yes please set me
up with all your other single friends’. I know! Total revelation. But really,
this can be so frustrating. Not to mention embarrassing and completely awkward.
If we need help, we’ll ask.
Fourthly, if you are single and know you are ‘waiting’, try to
focus on what you have now, the friends and family around you, and get involved
in activities and ministries that people at other stages of life are unable to
do. You are needed! And necessary! Make the most of it!
Lastly, again to singles, ‘I’m Single’ does not mean ‘I’m
looking really hard to find someone and maybe you’re it so you had better
either ask me out or run for the hills’. Yep, thought you’d like that one. But
seriously, it is so important to have healthy relationships with people of the
opposite sex, married and single. Being friends and hanging out does not
necessarily mean ‘I want to marry you, tomorrow if possible’. Nor does
introducing yourself to someone mean ‘I saw you across the room and thought I
had better get in first before the other singles line up to get you’. Enjoy
friendships, and build each other up in them.
4).
Nor does ‘I’m Single’ mean ‘I’m unhappy’
So I’m putting it out there – I love being single. So much.
But when people look at me forlornly or shake their head and say ‘What’s wrong
with men these days?’ I catch myself thinking ‘Oh, maybe I’m not happy. Maybe I
don’t want to be single. Wait, what just happened?’ And when I say to people
‘I’m really happy being single’ they do the whole intense eye look thing that
says ‘I know you are truly very sad and are just putting on a brave face, but
that’s ok, I understand.’ No! Just, NO! I am so glad I am not married, I am so
grateful I do not have kids. I know I would not be where I am today if I was
married, and I would not have friendships with the amazing people currently in
my life if my life situation was different. At this point in my life I know I
am where God wants me to be, and I’m happy. I am very aware this may change,
there is possibly, even probably, going to be a time when I am incredibly
saddened by not having a husband or family. Or it may be that I meet someone
amazing and realise I want to be married – to them. But for now, praise God,
I’m single and happy.
So please make it easy for single people to be happy in their
singleness. Love them, involve them in your family life so they have kids and
other married couples in their lives. Don’t assume they are struggling, but
don’t rule it out either.
These
are my thoughts. I have many more, but for now I have blurted out enough and have run out of time. I
hope what I have written makes sense. I’m not sure if you could tell, but I’m
pretty passionate about this. What I have written is not meant to be a strong
argument or shaking-my-fist posting, I hope it will not be taken as such. I am
very aware that my thinking on these things may evolve and change throughout
the years, and I would love you to come back at me if you have thoughts or
rebuttals. Other people’s experiences are sure to be different to mine, and I
know many of you are more articulate, wise and better thought out than me.
I
want to leave it on this thought, because it is something I want to work on
myself:
Rather
than judging people based on their marital status, their life situation, their
skills, their intelligence or their beauty, let’s build each other up,
encourage each other and love each other, so that we are focused on God’s plan
for our lives and are able, to the best of our ability, to glorify Him in what
we do and say.
