A Letter to Nan

Dear Nan,

I know I’m supposed to be working on my assignment, but I have so many things I want to say to you that they won’t stop until I get them out.

Today I was reminded of what an amazing lady you are. Every single person that spoke of you talked about how much you loved Jesus and how you prayed faithfully for the people you loved, and even people you hardly knew. Even though you were a little person you had a big heart and made a big impact on those around you.

You were such a quiet person. You always listened before you spoke and you didn’t want to be noticed. You probably would have been embarrassed today if you had heard what people said about you and seen all the people that loved you gathered together to talk about you. But it was so important to us because while you were quiet your life spoke volumes.

There was one thing that you made sure everyone around you knew, and that was that you loved Jesus. Jesus was your best friend. I know this was what you held on to even when you didn’t understand where you were or what was going on. And saying that Jesus was your friend was not at all cliché or trite because your life lived and breathed Jesus. People around you had no doubt that the most important person in your life was Jesus. You wanted everyone else to love Jesus too. Right up until the end you were the most amazing missionary. You didn’t have formal theological training, you would never have addressed an audience and you didn’t leave Australia, yet your faithful work has reached so many people. What a truly wonderful thing to be remembered for – your love for Jesus.

You would have been so proud of all your boys today. Each of them spoke so well and it was clear that they love you deeply. I bet you had no idea what an impact you had on their lives. They are all men who love God, and each of them stood up today and remembered times when you had taught them about Jesus. You taught them well, Nan. Your prayers for them were not in vain. And now they teach others what you taught them. Your work on earth may be finished but it continues in the life of your five sons. What a truly beautiful thing it is to know that while they are sad that you are no longer with them, they will spend eternity with your best friend Jesus, who is now their best friend too. Thanks for introducing them to your friend.

Guess what Nan? I got to meet Elsie today! I couldn’t believe she was there! I remember you telling me about her, and how you used to go on Beach Missions together. She even got up and spoke about you. It was lovely hearing about you from the perspective of a life-long friend. I can see why you were friends, she is such a nice lady. I’m glad I got to meet her.

Today has been strange because I keep getting flashbacks of not just times I spent with you but also things I remember being in your house. I remember the three plastic cups that used to stack up to make a soldier. I remember the little flower and butterfly scenes that sat under glass domes – one of them used to rotate and play music when you wound it up, that was my favourite. I remember your reading glasses, and how you could never find them, because even though they had a chain on them that went around your neck you never left them on. I remember how you always gave us a glass of cordial and a biscuit when we came over, and that was so special for us because we didn’t get the special cordial and biscuits that you had! You used to have a ceramic girl sitting on your table that held the paper napkins. And your cutlery was on a stand that used to sit in the middle of the table – I used to think this was so cool, and one of my favourite jobs was to put the cutlery back on the stand after it was wiped up – so much cooler than a cutlery drawer!

There are some memories that I have of you that keep going around my head too. How your hair was always perfectly set and you were just the right height for a hug. You always smelt lovely too. Whenever I stayed with you I would notice how much you talked to yourself – it would take me a while to realise that you were in the kitchen chatting away to yourself and I didn’t have to listen! You always called us ‘love’ or ‘darling’, and I know it wasn’t because you didn’t remember our names but because you loved us.

I know you didn’t always like going to church, Nan. I remember you telling me about how as a little girls you hated going to Sunday School and your dad used to drag you there each week. But then you found out that Shirley Temple went to Sunday School every week and had said that all good children should, and from then on you loved it! You did like Shirley Temple. I have all of your Shirley Temple books you gave me – my favourite is the one with all the newspaper clippings of her you stuck in. I also have your ‘Miss Bobby’ book that you were given by your Auntie – you told me that your mum got you in trouble for asking for it for Christmas, because books were so expensive, but your Auntie loved you so much that she bought it for you anyway.

One of the things you and I loved to talk about was Beach Mission. We used to chat about what things were the same and what had changed. You obviously loved your time there, even though it was hard work. One of the last conversations I had with you you asked whether I was still going to Beach Mission and how my college work was going – ‘You must be nearly finished now’ you said. How on earth you remembered that I have no idea – you didn’t even know what day it was. But these things mattered to you, and somehow they stuck.

There is so much more I could write, Nan, but I need to sign off. I know that right now the worries of this world, including our sadness that you are not here any more, do not matter to you. You are finally with your best friend in the perfect way you are meant to be. I bet you are more in love with Him than ever, and that you haven’t stopped singing since you got there. We all still have work to do here, so our lives continue without you. But you are not forgotten by us, and your love and prayers for others continues its work in many lives. I pray that when we reach the end of our lives the same thing may be said of us that was said of you today -that Jesus was your friend and you faithfully told this to everyone.

I will end with your favourite song that was sung today. It is a song that we all think of when we think of you, because it was your favourite right up to the end.

Jesus loves me, this I know,

For the Bible tells me so.

Little ones to Him belong,

They are weak but He is strong.

Yes, Jesus loves me,

Yes, Jesus loves me,

Yes, Jesus loves me,

The Bible tells me so.

See you soon Nan.

Lots of love,

Kate

Will You Still Be My Friend?

I’ve been sitting here on my laptop looking through photos of times past. I’ve seen smiling faces, silly poses, yummy food and holiday snaps. Yet with every photo that has slid past me on the screen my heart has grown heavier. I have had to stop looking and I have tried to stop thinking. I’m good at that. I can distract myself easily, and immerse myself in work or thoughts of happy things. I can lose myself in the troubles of others and try to make their burdens lighter.

Tonight I can’t. I’m sitting in my chair with tears pouring down my cheeks. My heart feels so heavy I can hardly bear it. I have a question that keeps circling my head. I can’t make it stop. It has become so loud it has overpowered every other thought. It circles over and over and over. The question plaguing me tonight is this:

“Will you still be my friend?”

It is a question we ask when we are children, when we made our friend sad or angry and they weren’t playing with us anymore. We run up to our friend and plead with them and say:

“I’m sorry I took the last blue pencil. Here, I’ll let you have a go. Will you still be my friend?”

When we grow up it is a question we dread to ask when a friend has discovered something about us that we wish remained hidden. We are wracked with guilt, thinking that we have no right to be loved, that such an exposure of our dark selves will result in rejection and repulsion. We may not even be able to voice our question, but our whole being silently implores our friend:

“I know I don’t deserve it but…will you still be my friend?”

I have asked these questions of friends in the past. Some of these friends I am still blessed to have in my life. You, my dear friend, are one of them. But tonight the question is different. It does not come from a place of childhood innocence or guilt over a confession. It comes from a very complex place that is filled with deep love, wonderful memories, fear, grief and uncertainty.

As you know, in 3 months and 2 days I’ll be leaving Sydney. I’m so excited sometimes I just grin like a loon to myself when I think about it. But to get to where I’m going I’ll be leaving Sydney behind. I’ll be leaving you behind, friend. And as I leave I may not say it, but I have no doubt it will be circling our minds:

“Is this goodbye to our friendship, or will you still be my friend?”

I have been learning that there are usual patterns of friendship that people generally follow. One of these is the end of friendship. This does not mean that there has been an argument or irreconcilable difference. It just means that both people have moved on in their lives. They may have physically moved, so contact has become more difficult. They may no longer have common interests, or they may be at very different life stages. The changes might happen quickly or over a long period of time. Often associated with the ending of friendship is a period of grief – grief for the friendship lost. And this is the natural evolution of friendships over a lifetime. Because, let’s face it, we simply don’t have the time to maintain every single friendship that we have in our lifetime.

But, my friend, I don’t want to lose you. I love you. You know me better than I know myself. You make me smile when I’m down. You cry with me when I’m sad. You don’t just reminisce of our past adventures, you create new memories with me. You stand up to me when I’m wrong. You teach me how to live rightly by both your words and your life. You let me into your family, your life. You come on holidays with me and take silly photos. We have our little jokes and looks that no-one else can understand but that are second nature to us. We end up in fits of laughter over ridiculous things. We quote things out of context but we get each other. It is together that we ride this rollercoaster called life. And I don’t want to be on this ride without you. You make this ride OK. And I hope I help make it OK for you too.

So, I have a question to ask.

In 5 months, when I visit Sydney for graduation. When memories are fresh and the changes still a novelty:

“Will you still be my friend?”

When I come and visit in a year and we have forged new friendships. When the near future is looking more certain for us, but this certainty means living across the globe:

“Will you still be my friend?”

When over the years our catch-ups become virtual. When we see each other and notice we have aged:

“Will you still be my friend?”

When yearly catch-ups seem too hard and most other people have moved on:

“Will you still be my friend?”

When our lives are completely separate and we seem to have little in common but memories:

“Will you still be my friend?”

When we are struggling with life or bursting with joy. When our lives are busy with family and new friends:

“Will you still be my friend?”

When we watch friends fall away and grieve for those who have gone before us:

“Will you still be my friend?”

When you hear things through the grapevine rather than hearing them from me:

“Will you still be my friend?”

When we desperately wish to be there for each other but circumstances keep us apart:

“Will you still be my friend?”

When we look at old photos and remember times past like our grandmas do:

“Will you still be my friend?”

I’m not talking of friends who catch up. I’m not talking of friends who live in the past and can’t move forward. I’m talking about living, growing, ongoing friendship. I’m talking about being real with each other. Being there for each other, no matter the distance. Knowing that I would drop everything for you if you needed me to and never doubting that you would do the same for me. Catching up whenever possibly, even years apart, but it being like time never passed. Having not just a memory of love but ongoing, growing love.

“Will you still be that kind of friend?”

The sadness and fear surrounding this question is, of course, that we don’t know. No matter what we promise, no matter how firm our love or commitment, we just can’t know the answer.

And that hurts. It really hurts.

It hurts more because the love is great. If I didn’t love you so much it wouldn’t hurt so much. And ironically the fact that it hurts is a truly beautiful thing.

We know, of course, that we both have a friend of whom we never have to ask such questions. A friend we never have to say goodbye to. A friend who is with us always. A friend who knows us better than we know ourselves and loves us more than we can ever imagine. A friend who knows the great value of friendship and has given you to me. A friend who knew I needed friends like you.

I want to say “Thank you”. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being my friend. Thank you for sharing your life with me. Thank you for trusting me enough to share your hopes and dreams with me. Thank you for speaking your mind and not just saying what I wanted to hear. Thank you for crying with me and letting me use all your tissues. Thank you for being a light for me during that disgusting period of darkness called depression. Thank you for being silly with me, for laughing with me and at me. Thank you for forgiving me when I hurt you, and being brave enough to tell me the pain I caused. Thank you for teaching me how to love and be a friend to other people.

I know God knows what He’s doing. I can’t wait to dive into next year and see what He’s got planned. I can’t wait to hear what you are up to and what God has planned for you. I can’t wait to hear about the new friends you have made and tell you all about mine. I pray earnestly that one day I can be the kind of friend to someone else that you have been to me.

But for now the unanswerable question continues to circle. For now I cling to the joy of friendship here with you, my dear friend, and hope desperately that it will continue to live and thrive. For now the question thrown into space with desperation, hope and fear is:

“Will you still be my friend?”

**Please note that while this appears to be written to one person, my mind has been flooded with the faces of so many wonderful people while writing. If you can imagine me saying this to you, the chances are you are one of those people I have cried for tonight.**

When life gives you lemons...

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.”

This quote has been going around and around my head for days now. I have always hated it, but I was unsure why. I think it is partly because my initial reaction is ‘Wow, and did you cross-stitch that onto a pillow or do you have it on the wall in your kitchen?’ It just seems so cliché.

And the more I think about it, the more I hate it.

Many people may not know this but last year, 2012, was the hardest year of my life so far. It was a year filled with the death of loved ones, both old and young. Due to grief I battled clinical depression for about 7 months.

During this difficult time God was good, gracious and kind. But if someone had told me to make lemonade I would have done one of two things. I would have either burst into tears or bopped them one.

And, unfortunately, some people with the best of intentions did say things very similar to this. One thing I heard often was ‘Oh well, we know that all things work together for good for all those that love God’ (taken from Rom 8:28 and way too often taken completely out of context).

Am I the only one that sees a problem here? Has anyone else experienced a time when they just couldn’t make lemonade?

Let’s face it – some things in life just suck. Sometimes life itself sucks. Some situations are so intense you can’t get past them. Death of loved ones is permanent and painful. Mental and physical illness can be long-term or life-long. Intellectual and physical disabilities do not go away. Poverty and hunger is a way of life for many people. War can lead to life-long devastation. The reality is that often these things simply do not have a silver lining. Yes, God can use them to change us and make us more like Him, which is wonderful. But they are the result of a broken world, not a perfect creation. And often these situations do not make lemonade. They are just lemons.

Sometimes it is just impossible to feel joy. When I was in the middle of a depressive episode I was incapable of feeling anything at all. It was a black hole of nothing, so impenetrable that I couldn’t even get the energy to try to fight for any feeling at all. I just existed. This can be said of times of great emotion as well – grief, sadness, pain – you just exist in a bubble of emotion or emotional numbness. You cannot make anything else matter.

Last year I learnt something very important. If you get given a lemon, or are swimming in a bath of lemon juice, it’s ok to purse your lips, shudder and cry out “I hate lemon juice!” Sometimes we just don’t have the experience or energy or ingredients to make lemonade. So we just have to suck the lemon, sometimes for days, weeks, months, years, or even a lifetime.

Jesus was given a lemon – a massive one. He was tortured and killed, even though He was innocent. When He was waiting for this to happen He didn’t try to look on the bright side or be happy in His suffering. Jesus shed tears, He curled up before God and wept, begging for there to be another way, for God to take the bitter cup from Him. While He was being beaten and He was hanging on a wooden cross He was not jovial or happy, He was in unimaginable and humanly inescapable pain. His body would have been screaming for life as it slowly gave up the fight. Jesus was able to do this because He had something to cling to – hope. This hope was not the kind of hope that we often refer to. It was not just an emotional hope or a happy feeling. Jesus had a true hope, a hope that was grounded in the promises of God. When all Jesus felt was pain and sorrow He knew that God would keep His promise to raise Him from the dead, that there would be time when the pain and suffering was in the past. Jesus could trust His Father because throughout history God had proven over and over that He always kept His promises.

This is the one thing that I could cling to last year, the promises of God. I couldn’t feel anything for God but I knew I was loved by God. I couldn’t feel the certainty of His promises but I could continue to remind myself of them and know their certainty on an intellectual level. At a time when I was incapable of feeling joy, happiness and fun I could know God was there loving me and caring, even if I couldn’t feel it.

Knowing the facts and truths of God’s Word and His promises of eternity meant I did not have to add another lemon to my pile – the great guilt that comes with being unable to be joyful. There is a lot of pressure, particularly in Christian circles, to always be joyful. This is just completely stupid. We were created with the complete spectrum of emotions for a reason. There are times in life when it is actually wrong to be seeking joy and it is right to be sad and grieving. Being happy doesn’t make you a better Christian. We have not been called to be happy all the time, to desperately look for a bright side when there may not be one. We have been called to trust God and His promises. So what is the point of pretending that everything is ok, that our world is not broken and often sucks, and that sometimes there are things in our lives that are just not as they should be? To do so is untruthful, painful and often causes more harm than good.

There is no promise of joy on this earth, although God is good and life can be truly wonderful. Because He is gracious God can bring about great good from awful circumstances, but the circumstances may still be awful. He can give joy and peace during painful times, but the absence of these does not mean God is absent.

When life gives you lemons and you just can’t make lemonade, that’s ok. It doesn’t make God’s promises less true. And God promises that one day there will be no more 'life lemons'. Although I am hoping there will be an awesome lemonade stand!

Thoughts of a Single Christian Girl on Valentine's Day

About six weeks ago a well-known Christian wrote a comment on social media that went kind of like this:

‘There were two young men arguing over who was the best super-hero. I asked them whether they were single. They were. What a surprise.’*

* this is from memory and could be slightly misquoted

When I read this I was completely outraged, and of course wanted to respond straight away, but I was worried I would write something I would later regret. It has, however, been playing over and over in my mind, and it has really got me thinking. And today, being Valentines Day, has spurred me to try and write something cohesive about these thoughts.

I do not want to launch a personal attack on the author of these words, because although I am disappointed that he would use his influence to write such things, I have realised that much of what he said contains views held by many people, and sadly many Christians. I am not writing this with anyone particular in mind, and I am glad to say that many of my friends certainly don’t fit into this category.

To try and order my muddled and racing thoughts I want to start by directly addressing the social media statement.

The statement assumes that these two young men were unattractive to women because they were immature enough to fight about superheros. But where does this kind of thinking begin and end? What about single people that love video games? (I’m speaking of a healthy interest, not a gaming addiction that has negative impacts) Or girls talking about shoes and nail polish? What about men that enjoy flying model aeroplanes? Are they unattractive and immature too? Says who? The thing I find completely baffling about this part of the statement is that the writer is discounting so many married men who would have loved to join in the same superhero argument – and probably have done with their own married friends. I know many married men and women who enjoy escapism in all different forms, so why has this been aligned with immaturity and being ineligible for marriage?

The statement is incredibly subjective, and is actually very demeaning to the thousands and thousands of single Christians (and non-Christians) in the world. To judge someone so cruelly based on a fragment of an overheard conversation is unkind and completely unrealistic. The author appears to know nothing of these young men’s personal lives, their personalities, their belief systems, or even their hopes and aspirations of the future. And there is one big thing that is not acknowledged at all – God’s will and plan for these young men’s lives.

Here is where my discussion takes a new course to encapsulate some wider ideas and frustrations that I have encountered as a single Christian.

Where to start? I think I need to go point by point to have better cohesion, and I will begin each point with a plea, just because it works.

1). Please remember that marriage is not a ‘higher calling’ than singleness

This may sound really obvious, but in Christian circles this can be a mindset that people can have subconsciously, or they can convey the idea in their conversations.

Of course there are many things that married people can accomplish in life and ministry that single people cannot. They can get alongside other married couples and go through shared experiences together. They can support new couples and encourage them in their relationship by sharing lessons they have learnt. They may have the joy of having a family, and raising children to know and love God. All of these things are wonderful and very precious.

But guess what? Single people can do things that married people are unable to do. Many single people are able to be much more flexible with their time, and hence can potentially spend more time invested in ministries and other relationships. They are able to dedicate their lives to serving God in places that are dangerous or difficult for families. It is much easier for a single person to be there in an instant for a friend or family member that needs immediate support or company.

Both marriage and singleness have a place in this world, and this should be more, not less, evident in the life of the church. The writings of Paul to the church in Corinth make it clear that different life stages are to be accepted and used to bring glory to God. So being single is not ‘settling for less’ or ‘hoping for more but haven’t been promoted yet’. It is just being single.

2). Please remember that God has a plan for everyone’s life

Again, another seemingly obvious statement. What does this mean for those of us who are single? Well, it may just be that this plan God has does not involve being married. It may be that the works God has for us to do are to be done without a husband or wife. Please note that I am not saying they have to be done alone – where would any of us be without the love, support and encouragement from our family and/or friends? But maybe to bring the greatest glory to God and complete our work here in earth the best it can be done we must be single - if not for our whole lives, at least for now.

What does it mean for married people looking at and associating with single friends and family members? Don’t assume that the person is single because of some fault of personality or decision-making. Trust me, if we want this kind of judgement we can do it to ourselves. Rather than assuming that God’s plan is for everyone to be happily married to another Christian and blissfully popping out babies (which, lets face it, is no-one’s reality), why not acknowledge the work that the single people around you are doing? That without single people the church would be imbalanced and without an arm? (I am of course referring to the fact that the church is made up of many different people with different skills and at different life stages, just like a body is made up of different parts).

So rather than assuming God’s plan for each other’s lives, let’s encourage each other, in whatever state we are in, to serve God to the best of our ability and bring glory to Him.

3). Please remember that ‘I’m Single’ does not mean ‘I’m waiting’

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! This one kills me. On so many levels. So let’s get started.

Firstly, the good old ‘Have you found somebody yet’ question. Apart from the fact that unless you are very close to someone and are willing for us to pry into your love life you shouldn’t ask, it is just rude. You have no idea if the person you are asking is really struggling with their singleness on that particular day. You don’t know if they have just spent an hour crying with a friend over the fact that they are lonely and feel surrounded by couples having babies. The person you are asking may desperately wish they were married. Such questions do not encourage, they bring down. Did you notice that this question does not acknowledge points 1) & 2)? It is assuming that the person is in the lesser state of singleness waiting to be rescued from it, and that where they are right now is not necessarily where God want’s them but will just have to do for now. You might not mean any of this when you ask, but can you see what it communicates and how it could be received?

Secondly, we are instructed to be content in whatever state we are in. Thinking, then, that singleness is merely waiting for the better times of marriage to arrive completely undermines ‘being content’. It may actually be that the single person you are talking to has just reached a place of contentment, and you manage, in one careless question or statement, to undermine the work that God has been doing in this person’s life.

Thirdly, unless we ask you directly, saying ‘I’m single’ does not mean ‘please find me someone to marry thank you very much yes please set me up with all your other single friends’. I know! Total revelation. But really, this can be so frustrating. Not to mention embarrassing and completely awkward. If we need help, we’ll ask.

Fourthly, if you are single and know you are ‘waiting’, try to focus on what you have now, the friends and family around you, and get involved in activities and ministries that people at other stages of life are unable to do. You are needed! And necessary! Make the most of it!

Lastly, again to singles, ‘I’m Single’ does not mean ‘I’m looking really hard to find someone and maybe you’re it so you had better either ask me out or run for the hills’. Yep, thought you’d like that one. But seriously, it is so important to have healthy relationships with people of the opposite sex, married and single. Being friends and hanging out does not necessarily mean ‘I want to marry you, tomorrow if possible’. Nor does introducing yourself to someone mean ‘I saw you across the room and thought I had better get in first before the other singles line up to get you’. Enjoy friendships, and build each other up in them.

4). Nor does ‘I’m Single’ mean ‘I’m unhappy’

So I’m putting it out there – I love being single. So much. But when people look at me forlornly or shake their head and say ‘What’s wrong with men these days?’ I catch myself thinking ‘Oh, maybe I’m not happy. Maybe I don’t want to be single. Wait, what just happened?’ And when I say to people ‘I’m really happy being single’ they do the whole intense eye look thing that says ‘I know you are truly very sad and are just putting on a brave face, but that’s ok, I understand.’ No! Just, NO! I am so glad I am not married, I am so grateful I do not have kids. I know I would not be where I am today if I was married, and I would not have friendships with the amazing people currently in my life if my life situation was different. At this point in my life I know I am where God wants me to be, and I’m happy. I am very aware this may change, there is possibly, even probably, going to be a time when I am incredibly saddened by not having a husband or family. Or it may be that I meet someone amazing and realise I want to be married – to them. But for now, praise God, I’m single and happy.

So please make it easy for single people to be happy in their singleness. Love them, involve them in your family life so they have kids and other married couples in their lives. Don’t assume they are struggling, but don’t rule it out either.

These are my thoughts. I have many more, but for now I have blurted out enough and have run out of time. I hope what I have written makes sense. I’m not sure if you could tell, but I’m pretty passionate about this. What I have written is not meant to be a strong argument or shaking-my-fist posting, I hope it will not be taken as such. I am very aware that my thinking on these things may evolve and change throughout the years, and I would love you to come back at me if you have thoughts or rebuttals. Other people’s experiences are sure to be different to mine, and I know many of you are more articulate, wise and better thought out than me.

I want to leave it on this thought, because it is something I want to work on myself:

Rather than judging people based on their marital status, their life situation, their skills, their intelligence or their beauty, let’s build each other up, encourage each other and love each other, so that we are focused on God’s plan for our lives and are able, to the best of our ability, to glorify Him in what we do and say.