When life gives you lemons...

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.”

This quote has been going around and around my head for days now. I have always hated it, but I was unsure why. I think it is partly because my initial reaction is ‘Wow, and did you cross-stitch that onto a pillow or do you have it on the wall in your kitchen?’ It just seems so cliché.

And the more I think about it, the more I hate it.

Many people may not know this but last year, 2012, was the hardest year of my life so far. It was a year filled with the death of loved ones, both old and young. Due to grief I battled clinical depression for about 7 months.

During this difficult time God was good, gracious and kind. But if someone had told me to make lemonade I would have done one of two things. I would have either burst into tears or bopped them one.

And, unfortunately, some people with the best of intentions did say things very similar to this. One thing I heard often was ‘Oh well, we know that all things work together for good for all those that love God’ (taken from Rom 8:28 and way too often taken completely out of context).

Am I the only one that sees a problem here? Has anyone else experienced a time when they just couldn’t make lemonade?

Let’s face it – some things in life just suck. Sometimes life itself sucks. Some situations are so intense you can’t get past them. Death of loved ones is permanent and painful. Mental and physical illness can be long-term or life-long. Intellectual and physical disabilities do not go away. Poverty and hunger is a way of life for many people. War can lead to life-long devastation. The reality is that often these things simply do not have a silver lining. Yes, God can use them to change us and make us more like Him, which is wonderful. But they are the result of a broken world, not a perfect creation. And often these situations do not make lemonade. They are just lemons.

Sometimes it is just impossible to feel joy. When I was in the middle of a depressive episode I was incapable of feeling anything at all. It was a black hole of nothing, so impenetrable that I couldn’t even get the energy to try to fight for any feeling at all. I just existed. This can be said of times of great emotion as well – grief, sadness, pain – you just exist in a bubble of emotion or emotional numbness. You cannot make anything else matter.

Last year I learnt something very important. If you get given a lemon, or are swimming in a bath of lemon juice, it’s ok to purse your lips, shudder and cry out “I hate lemon juice!” Sometimes we just don’t have the experience or energy or ingredients to make lemonade. So we just have to suck the lemon, sometimes for days, weeks, months, years, or even a lifetime.

Jesus was given a lemon – a massive one. He was tortured and killed, even though He was innocent. When He was waiting for this to happen He didn’t try to look on the bright side or be happy in His suffering. Jesus shed tears, He curled up before God and wept, begging for there to be another way, for God to take the bitter cup from Him. While He was being beaten and He was hanging on a wooden cross He was not jovial or happy, He was in unimaginable and humanly inescapable pain. His body would have been screaming for life as it slowly gave up the fight. Jesus was able to do this because He had something to cling to – hope. This hope was not the kind of hope that we often refer to. It was not just an emotional hope or a happy feeling. Jesus had a true hope, a hope that was grounded in the promises of God. When all Jesus felt was pain and sorrow He knew that God would keep His promise to raise Him from the dead, that there would be time when the pain and suffering was in the past. Jesus could trust His Father because throughout history God had proven over and over that He always kept His promises.

This is the one thing that I could cling to last year, the promises of God. I couldn’t feel anything for God but I knew I was loved by God. I couldn’t feel the certainty of His promises but I could continue to remind myself of them and know their certainty on an intellectual level. At a time when I was incapable of feeling joy, happiness and fun I could know God was there loving me and caring, even if I couldn’t feel it.

Knowing the facts and truths of God’s Word and His promises of eternity meant I did not have to add another lemon to my pile – the great guilt that comes with being unable to be joyful. There is a lot of pressure, particularly in Christian circles, to always be joyful. This is just completely stupid. We were created with the complete spectrum of emotions for a reason. There are times in life when it is actually wrong to be seeking joy and it is right to be sad and grieving. Being happy doesn’t make you a better Christian. We have not been called to be happy all the time, to desperately look for a bright side when there may not be one. We have been called to trust God and His promises. So what is the point of pretending that everything is ok, that our world is not broken and often sucks, and that sometimes there are things in our lives that are just not as they should be? To do so is untruthful, painful and often causes more harm than good.

There is no promise of joy on this earth, although God is good and life can be truly wonderful. Because He is gracious God can bring about great good from awful circumstances, but the circumstances may still be awful. He can give joy and peace during painful times, but the absence of these does not mean God is absent.

When life gives you lemons and you just can’t make lemonade, that’s ok. It doesn’t make God’s promises less true. And God promises that one day there will be no more 'life lemons'. Although I am hoping there will be an awesome lemonade stand!

Thoughts of a Single Christian Girl on Valentine's Day

About six weeks ago a well-known Christian wrote a comment on social media that went kind of like this:

‘There were two young men arguing over who was the best super-hero. I asked them whether they were single. They were. What a surprise.’*

* this is from memory and could be slightly misquoted

When I read this I was completely outraged, and of course wanted to respond straight away, but I was worried I would write something I would later regret. It has, however, been playing over and over in my mind, and it has really got me thinking. And today, being Valentines Day, has spurred me to try and write something cohesive about these thoughts.

I do not want to launch a personal attack on the author of these words, because although I am disappointed that he would use his influence to write such things, I have realised that much of what he said contains views held by many people, and sadly many Christians. I am not writing this with anyone particular in mind, and I am glad to say that many of my friends certainly don’t fit into this category.

To try and order my muddled and racing thoughts I want to start by directly addressing the social media statement.

The statement assumes that these two young men were unattractive to women because they were immature enough to fight about superheros. But where does this kind of thinking begin and end? What about single people that love video games? (I’m speaking of a healthy interest, not a gaming addiction that has negative impacts) Or girls talking about shoes and nail polish? What about men that enjoy flying model aeroplanes? Are they unattractive and immature too? Says who? The thing I find completely baffling about this part of the statement is that the writer is discounting so many married men who would have loved to join in the same superhero argument – and probably have done with their own married friends. I know many married men and women who enjoy escapism in all different forms, so why has this been aligned with immaturity and being ineligible for marriage?

The statement is incredibly subjective, and is actually very demeaning to the thousands and thousands of single Christians (and non-Christians) in the world. To judge someone so cruelly based on a fragment of an overheard conversation is unkind and completely unrealistic. The author appears to know nothing of these young men’s personal lives, their personalities, their belief systems, or even their hopes and aspirations of the future. And there is one big thing that is not acknowledged at all – God’s will and plan for these young men’s lives.

Here is where my discussion takes a new course to encapsulate some wider ideas and frustrations that I have encountered as a single Christian.

Where to start? I think I need to go point by point to have better cohesion, and I will begin each point with a plea, just because it works.

1). Please remember that marriage is not a ‘higher calling’ than singleness

This may sound really obvious, but in Christian circles this can be a mindset that people can have subconsciously, or they can convey the idea in their conversations.

Of course there are many things that married people can accomplish in life and ministry that single people cannot. They can get alongside other married couples and go through shared experiences together. They can support new couples and encourage them in their relationship by sharing lessons they have learnt. They may have the joy of having a family, and raising children to know and love God. All of these things are wonderful and very precious.

But guess what? Single people can do things that married people are unable to do. Many single people are able to be much more flexible with their time, and hence can potentially spend more time invested in ministries and other relationships. They are able to dedicate their lives to serving God in places that are dangerous or difficult for families. It is much easier for a single person to be there in an instant for a friend or family member that needs immediate support or company.

Both marriage and singleness have a place in this world, and this should be more, not less, evident in the life of the church. The writings of Paul to the church in Corinth make it clear that different life stages are to be accepted and used to bring glory to God. So being single is not ‘settling for less’ or ‘hoping for more but haven’t been promoted yet’. It is just being single.

2). Please remember that God has a plan for everyone’s life

Again, another seemingly obvious statement. What does this mean for those of us who are single? Well, it may just be that this plan God has does not involve being married. It may be that the works God has for us to do are to be done without a husband or wife. Please note that I am not saying they have to be done alone – where would any of us be without the love, support and encouragement from our family and/or friends? But maybe to bring the greatest glory to God and complete our work here in earth the best it can be done we must be single - if not for our whole lives, at least for now.

What does it mean for married people looking at and associating with single friends and family members? Don’t assume that the person is single because of some fault of personality or decision-making. Trust me, if we want this kind of judgement we can do it to ourselves. Rather than assuming that God’s plan is for everyone to be happily married to another Christian and blissfully popping out babies (which, lets face it, is no-one’s reality), why not acknowledge the work that the single people around you are doing? That without single people the church would be imbalanced and without an arm? (I am of course referring to the fact that the church is made up of many different people with different skills and at different life stages, just like a body is made up of different parts).

So rather than assuming God’s plan for each other’s lives, let’s encourage each other, in whatever state we are in, to serve God to the best of our ability and bring glory to Him.

3). Please remember that ‘I’m Single’ does not mean ‘I’m waiting’

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! This one kills me. On so many levels. So let’s get started.

Firstly, the good old ‘Have you found somebody yet’ question. Apart from the fact that unless you are very close to someone and are willing for us to pry into your love life you shouldn’t ask, it is just rude. You have no idea if the person you are asking is really struggling with their singleness on that particular day. You don’t know if they have just spent an hour crying with a friend over the fact that they are lonely and feel surrounded by couples having babies. The person you are asking may desperately wish they were married. Such questions do not encourage, they bring down. Did you notice that this question does not acknowledge points 1) & 2)? It is assuming that the person is in the lesser state of singleness waiting to be rescued from it, and that where they are right now is not necessarily where God want’s them but will just have to do for now. You might not mean any of this when you ask, but can you see what it communicates and how it could be received?

Secondly, we are instructed to be content in whatever state we are in. Thinking, then, that singleness is merely waiting for the better times of marriage to arrive completely undermines ‘being content’. It may actually be that the single person you are talking to has just reached a place of contentment, and you manage, in one careless question or statement, to undermine the work that God has been doing in this person’s life.

Thirdly, unless we ask you directly, saying ‘I’m single’ does not mean ‘please find me someone to marry thank you very much yes please set me up with all your other single friends’. I know! Total revelation. But really, this can be so frustrating. Not to mention embarrassing and completely awkward. If we need help, we’ll ask.

Fourthly, if you are single and know you are ‘waiting’, try to focus on what you have now, the friends and family around you, and get involved in activities and ministries that people at other stages of life are unable to do. You are needed! And necessary! Make the most of it!

Lastly, again to singles, ‘I’m Single’ does not mean ‘I’m looking really hard to find someone and maybe you’re it so you had better either ask me out or run for the hills’. Yep, thought you’d like that one. But seriously, it is so important to have healthy relationships with people of the opposite sex, married and single. Being friends and hanging out does not necessarily mean ‘I want to marry you, tomorrow if possible’. Nor does introducing yourself to someone mean ‘I saw you across the room and thought I had better get in first before the other singles line up to get you’. Enjoy friendships, and build each other up in them.

4). Nor does ‘I’m Single’ mean ‘I’m unhappy’

So I’m putting it out there – I love being single. So much. But when people look at me forlornly or shake their head and say ‘What’s wrong with men these days?’ I catch myself thinking ‘Oh, maybe I’m not happy. Maybe I don’t want to be single. Wait, what just happened?’ And when I say to people ‘I’m really happy being single’ they do the whole intense eye look thing that says ‘I know you are truly very sad and are just putting on a brave face, but that’s ok, I understand.’ No! Just, NO! I am so glad I am not married, I am so grateful I do not have kids. I know I would not be where I am today if I was married, and I would not have friendships with the amazing people currently in my life if my life situation was different. At this point in my life I know I am where God wants me to be, and I’m happy. I am very aware this may change, there is possibly, even probably, going to be a time when I am incredibly saddened by not having a husband or family. Or it may be that I meet someone amazing and realise I want to be married – to them. But for now, praise God, I’m single and happy.

So please make it easy for single people to be happy in their singleness. Love them, involve them in your family life so they have kids and other married couples in their lives. Don’t assume they are struggling, but don’t rule it out either.

These are my thoughts. I have many more, but for now I have blurted out enough and have run out of time. I hope what I have written makes sense. I’m not sure if you could tell, but I’m pretty passionate about this. What I have written is not meant to be a strong argument or shaking-my-fist posting, I hope it will not be taken as such. I am very aware that my thinking on these things may evolve and change throughout the years, and I would love you to come back at me if you have thoughts or rebuttals. Other people’s experiences are sure to be different to mine, and I know many of you are more articulate, wise and better thought out than me.

I want to leave it on this thought, because it is something I want to work on myself:

Rather than judging people based on their marital status, their life situation, their skills, their intelligence or their beauty, let’s build each other up, encourage each other and love each other, so that we are focused on God’s plan for our lives and are able, to the best of our ability, to glorify Him in what we do and say.

My Grandpa

This week I have the privilege of  staying at my grandma’s house and looking after her while my mum is overseas. For those who don’t know, my grandma’s place is in my parent’s backyard – so we grew up with Grandma and Grandpa almost as second parents.

I am currently sitting at my grandpa’s desk. It is a very strange experience. I’ve never sat here before, ‘cause this was grandpa’s chair. I remember him sitting on this chair in his study when I was a little girl, and I was allowed to play with his orange sticky tape dispenser – it was such fun! I can actually see it from where I am sitting. Grandpa’s rulers are lined up neatly on the desk in front of me, the pens are all in their place. Grandpa’s fluro study light is here waiting to be used. There are little spirax notebooks in a pile, the one’s that grandpa always kept in his pocket and wrote everything in. Grandpa’s beautiful old briefcase is sitting at my feet with his initials ‘A.G.J.’ stamped in it. The room smells just like grandpa, and it smells wonderful. I keep expecting him to come in and check on me, even at this late hour. I can hear him saying ‘Everything alright, love? Can I get you anything?’

But grandpa isn’t going to walk in the door. He won’t sit at this desk and write cards in his beautiful handwriting. Grandpa went to be with his God in June this year. And there is no place that he would rather be.

Sitting right next to me on the bookshelf, face up, is one of grandpa’s books titled ‘Notes on the Pentateuch: Genesis to Deuteronomy’. It is one of the only books left on the shelf. And it is evoking such an emotional response from me. I sat at this desk to study for my yearly college exams. But I can’t start. I can’t stop looking at the book. My book remains closed. Because I sat down to study Deuteronomy.

I wish he was here. I wish I could talk to him about my college work and ask him questions. He also used to lecture on Isaiah and 1 and 2 Samuel, the other two books I have to study for my exam. He would have loved to sit down and talk with me.

This desk has seen many years of Bible study, with grandpa pouring over commentaries with his well-worn Bible open beside him. As I sit here it seems somewhat symbolic of what he has left behind – people who love and serve the same God he did for so many years. And a grandchild, who is pouring over the same wonderful books of the Bible that he spent hours in.

I hope and pray that at the end of my life, whenever it may be, I will have been as faithful as grandpa. I hope I never loose the joy of reading the Bible’s familiar words. I hope I always want to learn more about God and what He has done for me. And, as small as it may seem, I hope when I see grandpa in heaven that he is proud of me. I can’t wait to see him again to say thank you.

Being a non-Home Owner

This week I walked past a Real Estate agency. "Big Deal!" would be the correct response. But this time something was different, and I have been reflecting on it for the past few days. The difference was that it was the first time in two years I have walked or driven past a Real Estate agency and not felt a twinge of regret or sadness. So I have been pondering - why did I feel this in the first place? And what has changed?

I am well aware of when it started. It was when I finally signed my application for Moore College. The application had been filled for weeks, but I hadn't been able to sign it and send it in. Signing that form meant many things, one being that I would stop looking for a house. I would no longer pour over the Domain adds online and in the paper. No more home inspections and dealing with overeager Real Estate agents. Going to college meant that I would need all my savings to help me through my time of study.

Owning a house meant a lot to me. Not just that it was the right thing to do at that stage of my life (I never have been good at following trends!), but I would genuinely love to have a house that was mine. I love the idea of painting and choosing furniture. It would be great to walk in the door after a long days work and throw my bag wherever I want to and just be me. To know each day that there was stability and security in my life. I think most of all I love the idea of having a place to invite people to, where they are comfortable and feel loved.

All this went out the door when I signed up for college. My future was once again a big question mark. What would I do after college? Where is the security in yet another degree, a bigger HECS debt and no money? Why was God asking this of me? Didn't He know how much I wanted my own place? All my friends were becoming home owners, and my loan request had gone through, so surely it was OK for me too?

Unfortunately these questions have still been plaguing me. Not all the time, but certainly every time one of my friends bought a house, or I walked past a Real Estate agency. I would feel a sense of longing, and almost want to mourn for what I didn't have.

After two years some of these things have not gone away. Life after college is still a little question mark for me. I could be anywhere in the world and be doing any kind of job. But the big question mark is now an exclamation mark. I have the most secure thing in the universe - God, the Creator, is my Lord. He not only knows what will happen after college He has planned it. It might not be glamorous, it certainly won't be somewhere I would have chosen myself, but that is OK. Actually, it is better than OK, it is awesome. He has more exciting things planned than I can ever imagine or hope for. God knows where I can best serve Him and bring Him glory.

I am beginning to understand that my near future probably lies outside of Sydney, serving God where there is a great need. This option would never have eventuated if I had stayed in my job and bought a house. I would have been too comfortable to move, and would not be prepared to leave behind the 'security' I thought I had.

If I had not gone through this process I would not fully appreciate what God has done. He has allowed me to know with certainty that I have nothing tying me to Sydney, nothing to hold me back. He has taught and is continuing to teach me to trust Him, because He holds the key to the future and has it all organised.

Sure, I would love the security of owning a house. I would love a home that belongs to me, a place where I can just be myself and not fear being judged. But I have God, and an awesome future with Him.

What is this thing called blog?

Oh dear! What am I doing? I don't do these things called blogs. Well, that is, I haven't until now.

I feel I am a little late at arriving at the world of blog. For years people have been saying 'You can read about it in my blog' or 'Didn't you know? I blogged about it.' (Yes, it has a verbal form too! Blogging. The act of writing and posting a blog.)

Those around me seem to like it, so here goes nothing!

I think my fear of entering the world of blog is that I will write things on the www that I would not say in real life. So here is what I would love you to do - if you know me personally, and think I am guilty of such a thing, I would love you to tell me! While my blogs will be personal reflections and thoughts, I do not want online to become a 'safe place' where I can dump things I would not usually divulge. Any or all of my posts can be brought up in conversation with me in person, I am determined to be open with my sharing.

That's it - first blog complete.

I have no idea how long this blogging thing will last - maybe till my assignment is handed in this Friday!

For now, goodbye blogging world!